Blake Roberts was 17 years old when he attempted suicide. At the time, he was the top player in his football team, had lots of friends, and was involved in church. He says,
‘My insides did not match what people saw on the outside. I embodied the agony Maya Angelou talked about when she said, ‘There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.’ I had many untold stories inside me and eventually those untold stories felt like too much.’
Roberts, who is a therapist, suggests that at our best, we are 97% honest with ourselves and others and it is the 3% we keep to ourselves that keeps us bound to shame and loneliness, which is a dark place to be.
Having read what Blake Roberts had posted in recognition of Suicide Prevention Month, Jonathon M. Seidl, storyteller, writer, and speaker, shared his own struggle with suicidal thoughts. The four personal photographs show a smiling countenance. It looks as though he has ‘not a care in the world.’ Seidl says,
‘Hours after these pictures were taken, I hit my ‘rock bottom’ moment with alcohol. I was drunk, alone, and wading in the ocean in the wee hours of the morning. And I hated myself for it. The lies told me I would be a better husband and father if I just wasn’t here anymore.
And I entertained those lies.
But by God’s grace, and because I had a foundation of truth to fall back on, I crawled back into bed very, very drunk and woke up to another sunrise.’
Seidl offers this encouragement to anyone contemplating suicide. He says,
‘I am you. I had a plan to die once. I knew exactly how I was going to do it. The darkness crept in until it nearly took over everything. I want to let you know there is hope.’
There are many factors that prompt men to consider suicide. Roberts and Seidl reference some – shame, loneliness, addictive behaviour, and self-rejection. These are feelings and destructive patterns of behaviour men are often unwilling to share, believing they would impose an unwanted burden on those they love.
John Brogden is a businessman and former politician who has a passion for suicide prevention. His recent book, Profiles in Hope, released this month, profiles 15 Australians who struggle with mental health and have experienced moments of utter despair when their thoughts turned to suicide.
Two decades ago, at the peak of his political career as New South Wales opposition leader, Brogden had his own very public breakdown and first suicide attempt. He was found with self-inflicted injuries in his northern beaches electoral office and was rushed to hospital where he was placed under suicide watch. He had Lucy (his wife) and a toddler at home, but he had convinced himself his death would remove the shame and burden from those who loved him.
Brogden recommends that we exercise restraint when talking about the actions of a person who has tried to end their life. He says,
‘I ask that you never judge the most irrational of all actions rationally.’
The path that can lead to thoughts of self-harm is often unpredictable. For some, Brogden points out, it is part of a prolonged battle with mental illness or trauma. For others, it comes at a time of personal difficulty or public humiliation. He says,
‘We can live our lives with good mental health but, in a moment of crisis, come to the place where we attempt suicide.’
By identifying the triggers, we can help avoid an escalation of suicidal thinking. James Packer, a one-time richest man in Australia, has lived a privileged life. In recent years Packer has talked openly about his mental health issues. He has known periods of depression and substance abuse often linked with his business crises. He says,
‘I think my mental health issues have invariably come from when I have lost money financially or I have been humiliated publicly. I do not do well when I am under pressure.’
Packer has come to recognise the triggers and is aware of the need to manage his time and activities. He knows he must avoid volatile, high-pressure business situations. He knows debt and negative publicity cycles weigh him down. He knows that he struggles with the stimulation of big cities. They wind him up.
We can add to our list of factors that prompt men to consider suicide – ongoing mental illness, substance abuse, trauma, financial loss, personal debt, and public humiliation.
Olympic swimming champion, Ian Thorpe, is someone who has suffered with mental health issues since he was a teen. During 2006, he went through a three-month episode during which he was suicidal. He says,
‘I was thinking of a way to do it that would look like an accident… I could not leave the house. I was barely functioning. I was communicating with people, but no one really knew how bad it was.’
Thorpe acknowledges the complexities of mental illness and how difficult it is for men to admit that they are struggling and to allow others to see their inner turmoil. He says,
‘From the outside, many would not see my pain nor be able to relate to the sometimes-daily struggle I was facing.
This is part of the deception of depression and mental illness: what may appear at face value is a stark difference from the agony that lies within.’
Thorpe recognises that his independent spirit prevented him from seeking help. He had trained himself to work through things on his own. He discovered that there are some things in life that are bigger than you are, and no amount of self-effort will get you through. You need other people’s help – their insight, their life-experience, their encouragement, their thoughtfulness, their support.
It was his self-reliance that cut him off from others and contributed to his low moods. He was isolated and not coping and vulnerable to suicidal thoughts.
Now he knows ‘the signs of slippage’ and has developed strategies to deal with ‘the descent into darkness.’ He has friends he will call when he starts to withdraw. He keeps a written list of things he will do each day. He says,
‘With it written down I can look at the list (see what I need to do), knowing that when I get through those things the following day will be better.’
Thorpe is a strong advocate of recognising and confronting your mental health issues. Acknowledging that you have a problem is not enough. He says,
‘If you concede to your illness and accept its reality you fall into the trap of not only being depressed but also taking on the depressed mindset.’
When I reflect on the factors that caused my son Adam to take his life in 2011, I ask myself, ‘What am I not seeing?’ I recognise the shame, the public humiliation, the sense of personal failure, the mental confusion, the loneliness, the withdrawal from life, the concealment of facts that may have provided a clearer picture of what he was experiencing. Did we know these things at the time, or have they become clearer retrospectively?
I can understand why men struggle to talk about having suicidal thoughts. It is risky. Some people will not want to go there. They will trivialise the matter or point out all that you have going for you.
There were many positives in Adam’s life. He knew the love of family and friends, he had a job, he was financially secure, he was passionate about his faith in God, but he was lost. He could not see anymore. The lights had gone out. He had convinced himself that death was the better way, the final answer.
It is confronting. Billions of dollars are spent on suicide prevention initiatives, but the prevalence of suicidal ideation grows. Society is not helping. We have become more combative, more suspicious, more desperate. Our experience of life is diminished.
There is talk of connection but what many men experience is dislocation. They feel uprooted, stripped of their traditional roles. There is confusion around the concept of masculinity. There is talk of men losing their sense of identity. At times it is offered as a reason for the increase in domestic violence. The feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, the mounting frustration, the excessive alcohol consumption, combine to fuel the verbal tirades and acts of aggression. It is a crisis. Families are splintering and children are left traumatised. And all we can think about is who should we blame. Someone must be responsible!
In 2022, male suicides in Australia made up three quarters of all suicides. Almost half of the men who died by suicide were aged 25 to 49. Suicide is always a tragedy.
John Brogden is the Honorary President of LifeLine International, a position he has held since 2021. He says,
‘Out of the darkness, comes the light. Life is better than death.’
Hope For Tomorrow 